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Friday, December 23, 2011

on a personal note...

this may very well be one of the last times I write on this blog... I'm hoping to have a new one ready to launch January first with a shiny new e-book to go along with your shiny new camera.

It's 2am and finally the last of the presents are wrapped and the pink, blue and green wrapped gifts are sitting by the fireplace. I look at that pile of presents and feel a little bit "what the heck is this all for anyway" I think about the money we spent. I wonder if any of it matters, it feels like this whole holiday is such an ordeal and I wonder if it would scar my children for life if we just skipped Christmas next year and volunteered at the soup kitchen instead. That is when I realize that my mental ramblings really have nothing to do with the underprivileged and everything to do with all the coffee I've been drinking tonight - which makes me prone to mood swings -  and as I ride the wave of emotions tonight  I have a micro revelation - I am depressed.

Yes, I can be depressed  with a heart full of gratitude. Yes, I can be, if not especially, depressed after a wonderful day with my kids. I settled fights peacefully and calmly. I exercised a dump truck load of self-control. Well, at least until I opened a package of Oreos anyway. Today I danced with my daughter who is nearly as tall as I am and marveled at how quickly these years have flown by. It's been a great day and tomorrow should be even better, how can I feel this way? Why are my emotions careening off the cliff edge to this familiar Pied-Pipe'r tune? And like the gentle voice from my best friend the words form in my mind, reminding me that depression isn't just mental or emotional - it's physical. The needle for my gas tank is resting at empty and the little light has come on to remind me to stop at the gas station before I try to do anything else. I take a deep breath. I stop freaking out. I know I'm going to be okay. I remember that I'll feel a lot better in the morning - maybe not first thing in the morning, but well you know what I mean.

I just thought I'd share that in case that's you - feeling bad for how bad you feel. I know. I'm there with you honey.

Now I'm going to let myself be sad, admit that I am frazzled stressed tired and just plain sad and then I'm going to bed and I'm going to have a wonderful day tomorrow watching my kids enjoy their holiday.  I can't wait to see their faces, I know it'll be beautiful, not perfect, but beautiful.


Heidi said...

:( I am really sorry you are down right now. I totally get the depression deal-I definitely struggle with it as well. I also, however, sometimes get like that and then get my monthly friend and realize that I had a bout of pms and I am thrilled that it was behind me for a spell. Hugs to you and I hope that it is not the big kind of depression but just a bout of it that passes quickly. Goodnight!

Tiffany said...

Thinking of you....I totally get it, reallly!! You are in my thoughts and I hope you enjoy the sweet smiles that I am sure Christmas morning will bring your little ones.


SarahinSC said...

Hope you've woken up feeling a bit better!

Branson said...

I am so far behind on blog reading... but I hope you know that I totally understand this, and am here if you ever need to vent. I am a big believer that you have to let yourself feel whatever comes, and you shouldn't force yourself to be happy... at least not until you have given yourself a chance to be sad. Depression sucks. Plain and simple. But I hope you are finding ways to work through it, and that soon the joy outweighs the sorrow again. HUGS!