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Thursday, November 3, 2011

me, unedited

please excuse the craptastic cell pics, I haven't taken any decent photos of myself all month.


It's dark and quiet tonight. The hubs fell asleep on the couch, Josiah is snuggled up next to him watching sprout on TV. He took a long late nap today and hasn't fallen asleep yet. 

Now is the time that (if I'm not falling asleep in my chair) I start to think, I start to want to write... and tonight I know exactly what I want to write about.

This morning I read this post that got me thinking. 

It was like an echo from a couple of weeks ago when I was at my church's women's retreat. The theme was friendship and of all of the wonderful moments the one thing I wrote down was 

Authentic = Real = Intimate 

I read this post this afternoon and it was another echo, another prompt in the direction I know I need to go in.

I really struggle with authenticity. In person and online. I tend to try to blend in with the people I'm with - I want to say the thing I think they want to hear, or at least the thing that will make me look good. I want to be real with the person I'm sitting across from, but it's a struggle. I want to be real here but it's hard to know what to say. Even writing a post about being authentic has a temptation towards being trendy. 

I tend to want people to believe their perceptions of me are true. I wish they were true. I wish this soft and sensitive person was more caring and less self-sensitive and withdrawn. I wish I were as together as I sometimes appear, I wish I was always as calm as I am in public. I wish my life really was picture-perfect, but it's not. And if I want you to believe all those things about me are true then I have to keep you at arms length, because when you start to get close you start to see the ugly. But who really wants that? I really do want to have friends that come over even when my kitchen is a mess.


Also I find myself self-censoring my photography before I've even picked up my camera and that totally squelches my creativity. I want to be perceived as a brilliant photographer, so I'm constantly worried that my photography won't be good enough. But my absolute favorite photos from this month were totally random and not at all perfect. I literally just waved my camera around while the shutter was held down. I find myself breaking my own rules more and more in my photography... I guess that's a good thing. 

Sometimes you just reach a place when you need to stop trying so hard. Just stop and be yourself. I have to stop trying to pretend to be better than I am and just be myself. I'm not a pro-blogger yet, and no matter how much I want to be one or pretend to be one, I'm not there yet. I'm not a pro-photographer yet, no matter how much I'd like to be, it just hasn't happened. I'm just a mom with a camera, who is willing to share what I've learned with others. I'm not a pro, I don't have all the answers but in teaching others I've learned a lot myself. This is tricky, and I have by no means figured it out. Because I honestly don't know who the person is behind the "I really want you to like me" facade is. I see her now and then and I like her, and when I take a deep breath, quiet all the self-doubt and am honest, I think you will too.

I wanted to share this from My Girl (Katie-Abigail) who almost never censors herself - it is SO happy, and the light is SO pretty!! Sorry about how it's rotated. Yes, she is singing the new Stephen Tyler song.

P.S. I hope you'll join me for today's SWAP link-up at The Bartering Blogger!

P.P.S Today I'm guest posting at Michelle from The Mama Bird's Thankfulness series.


Misty said...

Faith, I so enjoyed this post because I honestly feel that most everyone puts up a facade to some extent. Who doesn't want to be perceived as being someone better than they are. We are all our own worst critics. I love how real you were in this post. Thanks for being you.

Anonymous said...

I love catching those type of moments with my cellphone camera. I too have struggled with others perception of me,both online and in the real world. But i am better then i was because i just realized that for me, like you said i am just wanting to stop trying so hard, just show my best effort and all i can do is just be me.. Im just learning to like the real me :) Love this post faith.. :)

...sarah. said...

I'm visiting from your post at the Mama Bird! I am a new follower... I think we may have a little to share with one another, as I am also dealing with a husband with an opposing belief system. We ladies need to support one another!