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Thursday, November 5, 2009

Coming around a corner

I wanted to share that I had a real breakthrough with my depression last week. I haven't been exercising and I haven't been to a playgroup yet (though I am trying to get out of the house more often and I did join a playgroup on I have been praying and getting back into God's word.

For awhile reading the Bible became such a chore. I felt guilty if I didn't do it, like I couldn't be close to God if didn't read my Bible, but every time I sat down I would get frustrated and angry. I wasn't hearing God and my spirit wasn't being fed. I was struggling with such basic things like is God really there and is anything I was taught to believe as a child true? Plus I was walking through a thick cloud of grief and shatterd dreams. My friends encouraged me to not equate my relationship with God to my quiet times. So I set my Bible aside and have only picked it up now and then for probably two years now. I don't know if I was right to let myself go without regular Bible readings for so long, but I know that in some moments it really was the right thing for me.

Last week though I took some time to read a little bit of the Word and pray and just really seek God's face and to fill me with His love fore me. He did.

The sadness isn't all the way gone and my life still feels so out of control but I feel God's hand, holding mine and I hear Him saying that He is with me, He has never and will never let me go, we are walking step by step through this together. I feel the peace. I finally feel the satisfying love of Jesus. God's word is coming alive again to me and feeding my spirit and drawing me closer to God in worship of His awesomeness.

I have so far to go. I have so much to learn about what it means to walk with God. But this week I've said to myself that there is only one thing I need to do today - I need to be with God. Some days that means praying as I load the washing machine and listening to God as fold pants out of the dryer. But I've re-connected with God... and it's made all the difference in the world.


Marianne said...

Beautiful post, Faith. You've been through so much in the past few years (and I only know what you've shared on your blogs). I hope that His word and love help you. Also know that you have a friend out here who's praying for you.

Amy Donell Molina said...

i dido that marianne. and i understand your guilt of not reading the Word... and then getting to renewed freshness and closness of God.